The Matrix: Screwed
by Marn-Blunderhorn
Summary: Yet another Matrix parody . . . SIGH, but I but in the stuff the others left! Chapter 4 is even funnier and more mature than you'd ever have deemed possible!
1. Pointless Stuff

The Matrix: Screwed  
  
Trinity: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GEORGE BUSH WON THE ELECTION!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now let's see what I can hack into now.  
  
Random Cop: Freeze chick!  
  
Trinity: Why?  
  
Other Random cop: 'Cause we're loaded and we hope you are too! (Winks)  
  
Trinity: Very funny. (Kicks random cops to Timbuktu)  
  
Random Cop: That's a drug violation! Another! 'Ey u! Wow, you have no idea how much trouble you're getting yourself into! Drug violation, drug violation, drug violation, drug violation, drug violation, drug violation!  
  
Trinity: Are there agents?  
  
Morpheus: Yes  
  
Trinity: Trinity wants Mr. Blankey now.  
  
Morpheus: You can have Mr. Blankey when you get back into never land.  
  
Trinity: YAY!!!!!!!!! NEED MR. BLANKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Morpheus: Agents are closing in; you'll have to get to the phone at 31st and west.  
  
Trinity: I need a wowwypop.  
  
Morpheus: Sooner than later if you get going.  
  
Trinity: (Runs off faster than speed of light)  
  
Agents: Your men are already dead. ( Run after Trinity)  
  
Random Cops: Not yet! We're just being burned at the stake! MMMMMMMMM . .. . .. STEAK!!!! HLAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKK!  
  
Trinity: (Starts running at regular speed) Trinity go boom boom!  
  
Agents: Hey John, now we can actually catch them!  
  
Agent John: Not according to the stupid Wachowski Bros.  
  
Agent: Just keep running.  
  
Trinity: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (Jumps over large building gap, falls down stairs, and gets out to phone) OOOOOOOH NICE TRUCKY!!! VROOOM VROOOM!  
  
Phone: RINGRINGRINGRINGrINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRING!!!!!!  
  
Trinity: MY CALL!!!  
  
Phone: Ladies first Mr. Truck driver!  
  
Truck Driver: My bad.  
  
Trinity: (Sucked into the real world)  
  
Truck driver: Now?  
  
Phone: Sure  
  
Truck Driver: VROOOOOOOOM!!! (Destroys phone)  
  
Trinity: Ok, dare is off Cipher. I disobeyed Morpheus, and acted like a 3 year old.  
  
Cipher: Fine.  
  
Trinity: Let's make the camera go to Neo now.  
  
Cameraman: WHAT?? IT'S SUCH A ROUGH RIDE HERE ESPECIALLY BEING SUCKED THROUGH THAT STUPID PHONE WITH MY CAMERA!!!!!!!!! Yes, yes, my preeeeeeecioussssssss!!  
  
Neo's messed up computer: WAKE UP NEO!!!  
  
Neo: What the hell?  
Neo's computer: *SIGH* FOLLOW THE WHITE RABBIT!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMM. .. . . . .. . . . . . .. . .. . RABBIT!!! HLAAAAAAAAAAAAKAAKAKKKKKK!!! KNOCK KNOCK IN 54321!!  
  
Door: (Silent)  
Neo's Computer: ALAKAZAM!!! ABRA KADABRA!! KNOCK ALREADY!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
Door: Knock, knock. (laughs hysterically attempting to limit its noise)  
Neo's Weird Customer: YO!!! GIMME THE LAST REMAINING NAPSTER PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!! HERE'S YO 2K!!!!!  
  
Neo: Coming weird customer man! Oh, you're late.  
  
Neo's WC: It's her fault.  
  
Neo's WC's WG: What? You ordered a 10 pound steak!!! I got a salad!  
  
Random Cops: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM STEAK!!!!!! HLAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK WE'RE NOT DEAD YET!!!  
  
Neo: Yo; do you have a white rabbit?  
  
Neo's WC's WG: You mean Mr. Rabby? Right here.  
  
Neo: Where are you going? I need to find a girl in a tight outfit who tells me weird stuff.  
  
Neo's WC's WG: A crazy par-tay!! WOOWOO  
  
Neo: A party are you sure?  
  
Neo's WC's gang: PAR-TAY!!!!!!!  
  
Neo: Yeah whatever. I'll come.  
  
*Authors note* Review or I'll stop writing. Tell me how it is BEFORE I start writing chapter 2. Funny stuff coming because this was a pointless chapter. ( I know. YAY POINTLESSNESS! 


	2. Beer and Guns

THE MATRIX SCREWED CHAPTER 2:  
  
2324327468294791264823rt87832648763284958324592184602346072134  
9789632815498715478951498235468091658096435906439810568403615  
121742937013759403267-093259-34719-984012658657829348521685793  
  
IN DA CLUB: Trinity: HEY SEXY  
  
Neo: HEY SEXIER!  
  
Trinity: It is the question that drives us . . .  
  
Neo: Oh, that question.  
  
Morpheus: KKKKKKKKHHHHHHHTTTTTTKKKKKKHHHTTT: I'm KKhhhhtttkkk talking to you on ktttttthhhhkkkk a Nextel khhhhhhhhkkkkttt walkie talkie system! Khhhhhkkkkkktttttt! The answer is in the near future . . . You know that kkkhktkkhktkhk scene.  
  
Neo: Oh! I thought it was the question what is the Matrix! Now I know it's will you have kkkkkkkhhhhhttttkkkk with me!  
  
Trinity: Maybe later. Meet me and my homees at the lonely street corner to get in some trouble.  
  
Neo: Ok. Yeah, whatever. Peace out foo!  
  
ON THE LONELY STREET CORNER:  
  
Trinity: Get yo butt in here!  
  
Neo: Ok.  
  
Switch: I like to randomly point guns at people! (Points gun at Neo)  
  
Neo: Got any beer man?  
  
Switch: We just uploaded 6 tons from the matrix.  
  
Apoc: DRINK AND DRIVE WHEEEEEEEEEEEE  
  
(Crashes into a weird building)  
  
Trinity: Show me your belly! I need to go zap zap!  
  
Neo: Yea whatever!  
  
Gun: ZAP ZAP!!  
  
Apoc: Let's go to Big M's place  
  
Neo: We're there . . . I thought this was the CIA headquarters!  
  
IN MORPHEUS' PLACE  
  
Morpheus: I have been waiting for you Neo. Come, sit down. Luckily you didn't follow the script and go to work. They injected the bug @ the club. We have run out of time. You take the red pill; you advance towards danger, and the truth. You take the blue pill; you wake up in your bed, think it's all a dream.  
  
Neo: Eeny meeny miny moe, catch a tiger, steal it's ho. Eeny meeny miny MOE!  
  
Red Pill: He picked me!  
  
Neo: Glug glug glug.  
  
Morpheus: The pill you took is part of a tracking system. You get drunk, we find you! Please wait in the next room.  
  
Neo: (Walks into next room)  
  
Some dude: Yo morpheus I heard from Neo. I am taking blue!  
  
Morpheus: Very well. CHUNK! (Tranquilizer dart fired into his neck). (Drags him back into his bed) Problem solved  
  
Apoc: I'm gonna fire this tang down your throat Neo!  
  
Neo: Kewl  
  
Apoc: (Punches Neo out) BANG  
  
Trinity: That was an AK-47! Not this gun! That gun!  
  
Neo: I'm ok!  
  
Trinity: But how?  
  
Neo: I dunno now I'm the one WHEEEEEEEEEE(Flies away)  
  
Morpheus: Dammit Apoc! NEO! TRINITY IS DOWN HERE!  
  
Neo: Hey! A jet! Hello Mr. Jet! AK OW OOH STOP THE PAIN!  
  
Curtis Martin and Santana Moss: That's what you get for rooting for Cleveland!  
  
MarnBlunderhorn: HEY I LOVE THE BROWNS! AND IT'S MY STORY TOO!  
  
Curtis Martin and Santana Moss: Uh-oh It's Marn-Shock  
  
MB: Changes into J-Shock and kills them both.  
  
MB: That was for you Jacob!  
  
Now back to the Story after this brief POINTLESS side quest  
  
Neo: Mmmmmmmm Trinity!  
  
Random Cops: What about my steak???!!?? OWWWWY THERE GOES THE CROTCH!  
  
Morpheus: Shut up and go to the real world. (Crams Neo down a toilet)  
  
Toilet: Morpheus! What did you eat??????(FLUUUUUSSSSSHHHH)  
  
In the ground-place thing:  
  
Neo: AHHHHH THE MACHINE IS TRYING TO GET ME!!!!!  
  
Machine: (Dies)  
  
Energizer Bunny: I told them to stop using Duracell! I'll have to do this myself. (Beats Neo with Drum sticks)  
  
Oversized toilet: FLUUUSSSHHH  
  
Energizer Bunny: Awwwwwwww . .. . take my fun away will you? I'll beat every toilet ever made!  
  
Neo: What the hell is with this crane?  
  
On the ship:  
  
Neo: WOW NUDE GIRLS!!!!  
  
Girls: We hate men! Get out!  
  
Neo: Ah crap.  
  
Morpheus: Wrong ship Neo!  
  
Neo: You mean you don't have nude ladies?  
  
Morpheus: We use Trinity in rotation.  
  
Trinity: CYPHER COME ON YOU HAVE 20 MINUTES LEFT  
  
*END CHAPTER 2*  
  
*Review more please I just got bored so decided to write more chapters. Every1 who reads it please review Nu chapter.* ~MB 


	3. Cypher, Schizo Morpheus, and Iraq!

THE MATRIX SCREWED CHAPTER 3  
  
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On The REAL Ship:  
  
Neo: Let's blow stuff up!  
  
Morpheus: No. The voices in my head command me to take my pants off and do the Macarena! 1 maca 2maca 3 Macarena!  
  
Trinity: Are you going to do the Macarena all day?  
  
Morpheus: If the great voice commands it.  
  
Voice in Morpheus' head: Rape Trinity! Rape Anyone!  
  
Morpheus: Ok I am getting a psychiatrist now.  
  
Random cops: WE'RE NOT DEAD YET AND I KNOW HYPNOTISM!  
  
Neo: BAMBAM!  
  
Cypher: That's it Neo . . . hehehehhehehe go ahead and destroy Zion for me!  
  
Trinity: Cypher are you planning to destroy Zion?  
  
Cypher: Um, err, I me-, ye- I mean no. N-n-n-n-ye-NO.  
  
Trinity: Oh good I was a bit suspicious.  
  
Cypher: Just 2 more days till I sabotage it all . . . hehehehehheheehhehehehhehehe. .. .  
  
Trinity: Cypher you need a vacation.  
  
Neo: I KNOW JUST THE PLACE  
  
Cypher: Really?  
  
Neo: IT HAS LOTS OF NUDE WOMEN!  
  
Cypher: I can't think of any catch . . .  
  
(Neo throws Cypher into the ship)  
  
Random Nude Women: WE HATE MEN KILL HIM!  
  
Cypher: This wasn't in the brochure!  
  
RNW: (Charge holding lots of torches, pitchforks, and tons of guns)  
  
Cypher: I am so going back to the Matrix . . .  
  
In the Matrix:  
  
Cypher: This steak is so juicy because the Matrix is sending a message to my brain that it is purple and juicy and firm like your boobs.  
  
Agent: This is why they told me not to get the sex-change surgery. Alright, you kill someone and I send you back to the matrix.  
  
Cypher: Easy enough. (Pulls out nuke and bombs Iraq)  
  
Sadaam Hussein: Oh those damn Americans are at it again.  
  
Agent: *Sigh* The architect lives in Iraq . ..  
  
Cypher: He was getting executed tomorrow anyway.  
  
Agent: Why?  
  
Cypher: Breathing.  
  
Agent: One screwed up country . . .  
  
In the Nebuchanezzar:  
  
Morpheus: Oh damn we ran out of battery power! Lets go to Iraq and get some manual labor.  
  
Neo: Cypher blew it up.  
  
Morpheus: I knew he was trouble!  
  
Energizer Bunny: Here's a AA. Never use Duracell again dammit!  
  
Morpheus: Lets get you to Oracle.  
  
Trinity: Don't you mean the Oracle?  
  
Morpheus: Oh crap I was gonna get my computer fixed!  
  
Dozer and Tank: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(Getting electrocuted) 


	4. Morpheus' End With Niobe

THE MATRIX SCREWED CHAPTER IV 3468123475145328745781325478351282345738254735247382547382458732756373254783 24(Insertmoreweirdnumbershereandlookforsecretmessagesinherethroughouttherest ofthestory)fdshjfgsadkjbfjaksgfjabdjkasbfjdasgbfkasgbk,ahiewmyenglishteache risahofdakfdhakjfhjaskfhjskfhjkgfjakgfjkgadsjkfgjsdgfjdsgfjgasdkmanmyteacher ssuckfedagfjdsgafyugdsyuafguksdgfksadgjksgdakfjjkaesfjkeanfcesehdficbdilksbf hsldkbfdareyoureadingthisquestionmarkfdsjkfgjabfkabdsfkabsjdhjaksfbhjdsfjhds gafjgjsadkgfkjasgadgfjsuckfedagfjdsgafyugdsyuafguksdgfksadgjksgdakfjjkaesfjk eanfcesehdficbdilksbfhsldkbfdareyoureadingthisquestionmarkfdsjkfgjabfkabdsfk absjdhjaksfbhjdsfjhdsgafjgjsadkgfkjasgadgfjgfjhad  
  
* Sorry for the cliffhanger last chapter, I had five minutes before my parents charged at me for not going to bed and couldn't even put in an authors note or ending* P.S. WHO CARES????????????????  
  
On the Ship  
  
Morpheus: Load us up Dozer  
  
Dozer: Shut up and hook up yourself!  
  
Morpheus: I'll try. Where does my penis go again?  
  
Dozer: In the fan.  
  
Morpheus: Ok! HOLY CRAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAP! It's gone! My baby!  
  
Niobe: First the voice in your head and now your penis is gone! We're through foo!  
  
Morpheus: No Niobe! I'll just paste on a dildo! It'll work . . . . . . .! Dozer where's the superglue?  
  
Dozer: In the fan.  
  
Morpheus: No really where is it?  
  
Dozer: In the Piranha tank.  
  
Morpheus: Whatever.  
  
Neo: How high is Morpheus again?  
  
Tank: I don't know! You know what's a cool name? Czechl from Czechoslovakia! Do you know what a baby Echidna is? A puggle! Puggle, Puggle, puggle, it sounds kewl. Do you know what a baby Ostrich is called?  
  
Neo: No  
  
Tank: me neither! What about a baby rhinoceros?  
  
Trinity: A baby rhinoceros?  
  
Tank: You're smarter than I thought.  
  
Morpheus: NO GET OFF MY PENISLESS CROTCH! AHHHHHHAAHHHHHHH!  
  
Dozer: Let's get you in now.  
  
Neo: Give me a nice car.  
  
Dozer: Alright!  
  
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IN THE MATRIX. . .  
  
Neo: Ok they made Trinity's boobs bigger, (+) but we're driving a golf cart! (-) I don't think Dozer and Tank are familiar with the phrase "Scissor Doors". Whatever.  
  
Trinity: Look a car show! We'll steal what we need! Tank . . . upload the ULTIMATE diversion . . .hehhehehhehhehhehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehhehehehe  
(1 hour later) Hehehehhehehe *GASP wow that was a long time. Is the upload done yet?  
  
Dozer: No, you haven't stolen me a new computer since window 1978! Ok just press the button when you need it and say where  
  
Trinity: Ok whatever.  
  
IN THE CAR SHOW  
  
Neo: Let's take the super limo over there  
  
Morpheus: Great idea! No one will suspect anything seeing a bunch of people in tight leather suits run around is a huge black limo with lots of guns!  
  
Trinity: Let's take that Ferrari instead. Dozer cue the diversion over there!  
  
Dozer: You got it kid.  
  
SUDDENLY OVER THERE  
  
Morpheus: OMGOMGOMG IT'S JARJAR BINKS!  
  
Jar jar Binks: Mesa Jar jars Binks! Mesa gets killed off in sequel!  
  
Mobster: How about now wise guy!  
  
Jar jar Binks: Whoopsie Daisy! (DIES)  
  
Trinity: Make another one!  
  
Dozer: Aight  
  
Yoda: Wrinkled old Muppet I am! Look at my classy toga! TOGA TOGA TOGA TOGA! Unhappy with new Star Wars Films with Jar jar Binks I am. Lynched Jar jar should be!  
  
Neo: Good enough for me! Get in the Ferrari Trinity!  
  
Morpheus: What about me?  
  
Neo: Get in the trunk.  
  
Morpheus: It has no tr-(Is run over by Neo in the Ferrari) Man, I have got to start realizing things earlier . . . Ooh I'll just steal that! (Jumps in Saddaam Hussein's Car) I wonder what this button does . . . . (Glass shield surrounds the car and everyone within the immediate vicinity dies) Wow . . . that guy could live it up in this thang! Let's go!  
  
At the Hicksville Apartment Complex  
  
Neo: Which floor is it?  
  
Trinity: Look in your heart!  
  
Neo: Screw that! Eeny meeny miny moe! (Picks floor 13)  
  
Trinity: There is no floor thirteen!  
  
Neo: Exactly!  
  
Trinity: Wow there IS a thirteenth floor!  
  
Neo: And it reeks of smoke! O wait my ass is on fire.  
  
Trinity: Let me just hump it out. . Uh, uh uh UH UH UH UH UH UH UH!  
  
Neo: Now it's a cigarette! Uh-oh . . . rednecks at 12:00  
  
Trinity: Well it's 11:59 59 . . . crap  
  
Rednecks: WE LIKE DRUGS AND TO KISS OUR OWN MUGS BUT WE'RE COVERED WITH IMAGINARY BUGS! HALLUCINATION WE'RE ON THE BRINK OF ANNIHILATION AND WE JUST WANT MORE POT!  
  
Trinity: Look a Hyundai!  
  
Rednecks: Wow the classiest car on the market!  
  
Neo: Slip away quietly. . .  
  
Oracle: Welcome Neo!  
  
Neo: You smell bad!  
  
Meanwhile. . .  
  
Morpheus: OH CRAP REDNECKS! I'd better use my Reba McIntyre deployer!  
  
Rednecks: Look it's Reba McIntyre driving up in a Hyundai!  
  
Reba: I drink Dr. Pepper!  
  
Look Ahead for the NEXT chapter in the epic random crap happening to people series where we screwed up the matrix creatively titled THE MATRIX SCREWED!  
  
~MB 


End file.
